Estrangement is the widespread condition where an individual cuts ties with one or more family members. Current media reports numerous stories of adult children that estrange from their parents. But what about parents who initiate cutting ties with their adult children? Common influences of family estrangement include abuse, betrayal, conflict over money, mental illness, addictions, toxic relationships, dysfunctional communication, divorce, parental alienation, and differing values and identities. Parents cut ties, with the mother initiating more often due to financial and estate conflicts, disparate values, unacceptable boundaries, toxic adult children, entitlement, and over-dependence. This article explores What Makes Parents Cut Ties With Adult Children- Are Kids Toxic?
Twenty-seven percent of the United States population report they have either initiated or have been physically or emotionally distanced by a sibling, parent, child, grandchild, or extended family member. When parents cut off their adult children, they do so to relieve themselves from a perceived unhealthy relationship. The minimal research on parents who estrange explores the differing focus of contributors. For example, adult children who cut ties focus on their parent’s characteristics, while parents tend to focus on circumstances outside of themselves that influenced the separation. Generational and cultural differences may primarily be responsible for the focus and perspectives of parents and adult children.
Judging Mothers
Cultural expectations of a mother’s role complicate how individuals view a parent’s decision to cut ties. Mothers are notoriously held to a high standard of nurturing, self-sacrificing, and always loyal to their children. This idealized view of mothers places external pressure on the realities and complexity of dysfunctional family relationships. For example, mothers pressured to oblige an adult child’s demand for their inheritance can be so frustrated by the ordeal that they cut ties to gain relief.
Culturally, mothers should be able to deal with all stressful circumstances appropriately. On the other hand, fathers are held to a less judgmental standard. In parental alienation and divorce cases, mothers are often burdened with their adult child’s hypercritical assessment. Divorced fathers can be idealized in the adult child’s life who is hurt or angry their mother left their father.
Unfortunately, limited studies spotlight factors contributing to parents who cut ties. Kylie Agllias, a social worker and educator, explores the milieu of perceptions in family estrangement in her book Family Estrangement a Matter of Perspective. Dr. Joshua Coleman’s book Rules of Estrangement focuses on the parent-adult-child divide. Coleman and Agllias agree that the different family members’ perspectives frame much of what we know about estrangement. Also, the contributor factors are rarely simple explanations but a tangled set of variables.
What Makes Parents Cut Ties
- Differing Values and Identities
Parents with tightly held beliefs have cut ties with their adult children. For example, parents whose beliefs conflict with their child’s sexual orientation can choose to separate. Likewise, parents oppose an adult child’s resistance to following the family culture or religion.
Disapproval of the adult child’s choices in religion, choice of partner, sexual orientation, and alternative lifestyles can provoke a parent to estrange. Interestingly, more mothers cut ties when their adult child violates the mother’s own deeply held values and beliefs.
- Fighting over Money and Estates
Money and estate conflicts can unhinge a family’s togetherness. Favoritism and secrecy can influence decisions about wills and assets. Parents have every right to decide what they leave their children. Adult children may have been promised and felt betrayed. Conversely, parents may feel betrayed and choose not to include one of their kids in their will.
Arguments ensue when families are surprised by a parent or grandparents’ last will. Likewise, adult children aware of their parent’s final wish can create havoc. The scenarios for conflict are endless, but the stress to parents can be so disturbing that they choose to estrange from their adult child.
- Adult Child Sets Boundaries and Parent Reacts by Estranging
When adult children set boundaries, changing the long-standing dynamic between the adult child and the parent, parents can become angry and resentful, resulting in a cut-off. Parents who are heavily invested in a cultural protocol with their children can be devastated by a boundary. Adult children pursuing healthy boundaries for their well-being can catch their parents off guard. When parents are intolerant of their adult child’s right to respect, they can retaliate by cutting their child off.
- Toxic Adult Children, Addictions, and Mental Illness
Mental illness, addictions, and toxic behaviors are overwhelming for all parties. Parents with troubled adult children, often failing to launch, are burdened with how to cope. Adult children do not choose mental illness and present a significant challenge to ill-prepared families who likely suffer. Adult children with addictions can similarly tax parents into parent burnout.
Parents may also create boundaries to decrease the distress tolerance of troubled adult children. When adult children’s behaviors are overwhelming, parents cut off to stop the flow of conflict with their adult child. As with adult children, parents cut ties as an act of self-preservation.
- Entitlement and Overdependence
Overly dependent adult children present a massive strain on aging parents. They may have indulged their children by not allowing them to solve their battles. Parents that rescue their distressed children will have distressed adult children who need rescuing. Overdependence combined with the adult child’s belief they have a right or privilege to deserve special treatment can overwhelm the relationship.
Like adult children dealing with toxic parents, parents faced with entitled adult children can face angry outbursts and manipulation. Extended interchanges between demanding adult children and parents can escalate into war zones. Over time the extraordinary stress can provoke a parent to seek relief and cut ties.
Estrangement is the widespread condition where one cuts ties with one or more family members. Twenty-seven percent of the United States population report they have either initiated or have been physically or emotionally distanced by a sibling, parent, child, grandchild, or extended family member. Current media reports numerous stories of adult children that estrange from their parents. But what about when parents cut off their adult children? Parents cut ties due to differing values, toxic adult children, entitlement, over-dependence, and fighting over finances and estates. This article discusses What Makes Parents Cut Ties With Adult Children- Toxic?
