Family estrangement is when one member intentionally decides to detach from others. Parting creates an emotional and or physical distance that is troublesome for all involved. The complicated nature of the process and elements of estrangement are as varied as the individual stories. This article will explore common misconceptions such as family conflict, parental alienation, betrayal, and distant relationships. You will better understand family estrangement and What Family Estrangement is Not.
What is Family Estrangement?
Kylie Agilias, a social work researcher and educator, states that:
“the condition of Family estrangement involves being physically and or emotionally distanced from one or more family members, either by choice or at the request or decision of the other. It is generally enacted to reduce implicit or explicit conflict, anxiety, or tension between the parties. It is characterized by a lack of trust and emotional intimacy, disparate values, and a belief that resolution is highly unlikely, unnecessary, or impossible.”
Agilias’ book, “Family Estrangement A Matter of Perspective,” expands on the complexity of this condition. The many facets include the discomfort experienced by all parties participating in the estrangement.
The scorned family member may feel shame, guilt, anger, loss, and grief. However, the individual who decides to detach also suffers and believes separating is necessary. What complicates estrangement includes opposing beliefs, lifestyle choices, values, behaviors, and goals. One may not be ready or willing to move toward resuming connection.
Let’s Clear Up Any Confusion and Misconceptions.
Some common misconceptions require clarification. Information about the process of alienating or having been cut from a family member empowers us to gain insight. Estrangement can cause one to feel shame, feel guilty, be abandoned, and feel excluded. Whether you are dividing out confusing terms, others’ stories, or learning more about your own, your efforts bring insight. In addition, you will more easily access what it feels like to be in another’s shoes. Drawing from greater understanding will improve your well-being; as a bonus, it will also assist you in gaining empathy for all parties involved. Our Compassion for others and ourselves is key to a balanced state of mind and health. Compassion does not mean we condone abusive and toxic behaviors.
Estrangement is Not Betrayal
Betrayal is the act of violating someone’s trust or convictions or the breaking of a moral standard. When one has experienced betrayal, the sting can be heartbreaking. Betrayal on its own does not equate to being estranged. If betrayal unravels the relationship, the lack of trust and confidence has eroded, further erosion can occur. For example, when one perceives little chance of restoration and then decides to cut off the other, the individuals experience estrangement. You may feel betrayed by the act of someone cutting you off or perceiving the need to do so. But the two experiences are unique and can occur independently of the other.
Estrangement is Not Family Conflict
Family conflict is a common condition in many families that refers to opposing opinions over lifestyle choices, values, equally shared roles, and at the top of the list: finances. There can be arguments or stonewalling between parents, adult children, and siblings. Family conflict can range from misunderstandings to power struggles. Families can carry on for decades with conflict without resulting in anyone choosing to detach. Family conflict can create a tense atmosphere that can lead to estrangement if left without support or guidance. If and when conflict becomes unbearable, one may decide it is intolerable and become estranged.
Estrangement is Not a Distant Relationship
Distant relationships occur when family members people drift apart for a while. They may be separated by miles or just being overextended or busy. The primary difference between a distant relationship and estranged families lies in what happens when they reunite. Families with distant relationships are usually happy to see their loved ones. On the contrary, there is likely tension and significantly less enthusiastic reunions when families are estranged. In fact, on either side of the estranged relationship exists stress, anxiety, and concern about seeing and or speaking to each other.
Estrangement Is Not Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is a strategy where one parent intentionally portrays the other parent negatively to harm the relationship with the other parent. In other words, there are deliberate manipulative actions, comments, and behaviors, poised to influence the child against the other parent. This process can result in a physical and emotional distancing between the child and the other parent.
While similar behaviors may participate in families who find themselves estranged, parental alienation involves a child or children. The child is unduly influenced. Parental alienation can later participate in estrangement when the child decides later as an adult and of their own volition to remain distanced from the alienated parent.
Chronic Stress and Well-being
Estranged family relationships are complicated, uncomfortable, and stressful. Estrangement stories vary in tensions and expressed conflict; nonetheless, they expose all parties to chronic stress. All parties involved certainly experience overwhelming feelings that impact emotional and physical health. Our well-being consists of aligning and nurturing our physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational health pillars. Chronic states of heightened emotions interrupt our daily routines and set the stage for neglecting self-care.
Self-care can make all the difference when dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of being estranged. Daily routines that include prayer, intentions, breathing techniques, meditations, exercise, and time with people you enjoy are essential to your well-being. With some investigating, you will find your secret sauce to feeling better. Do what work’s best for you. Addressing your ability to gain calm can help you sift through anxiety and the impending uncertainty of this condition.
As one of 27% of the population, remember you are not alone in this. Stay connected to people and find someone to be in your corner to process and move forward. Stay informed to gain insight into others’ journeys and your own. Treat yourself as you would a good friend. Find out more about estrangement in my eBook Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged.
The complicated nature of the process and elements of estrangement are as varied as the individual stories. This article will explore common misconceptions such as family conflict, parental alienation, betrayal, and distant relationships. You will better understand family estrangement and What Family Estrangement is Not.
Resources:
Agilias, Kylie. Family Estrangement A Matter Of Perspective. New York, Routledge, 2017.
Morin, Marie. Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick Up the Pieces When You are Estranged. eBook. 2022.
Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2022, January 4 ). What is Family Estrangement? You Are Not Alone.
Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2021, September 8). Diaphragmatic Breathing: 5 Minute Deep Breathing Exercise for Beginners.
Morin, Marie. How to Deal with Estranged Family During the Holidays (2021, November 21) Sixty and Me. https://sixtyandme.com/estranged-family-holidays/
Pillemer, Karl. Fault Lines Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York Penguin Random House, 2020.
