Adult children initiate most rifts, many accusing their parents of being toxic. Twenty-seven percent of the United States are estranged. According to many adult children, toxic behavior is often the root of parental rifts. Parents are bewildered and recall significantly different perspectives of their shared history. This article discusses Am I A Toxic Parent? Three Strategies When Your Adult Child Won’t Talk to You.
While adult children may recall toxic experiences, their parents remember events as vastly different. Common factors influencing parent-adult child cut-off include different lifestyles and values, favoring a sibling, parental alienation, divorce, and the presence of a new partner.
So what if your adult child declares that you were or are toxic? Consider if the following applies to your behavior.
Toxic Behaviors that Adult Children Report
- Has your adult child told you that you are selfish? And your needs come above their needs?
- Have they said you never apologize for your wrongs and dismiss what they say to you?
- Have they told you that you blame them for your problems?
- Have they said that you never want to see them happy?
- Do they tell you that you devalue their opinions and put them down and criticize them?
- Have they told you that you never thank them but always expect from them?
Crossing boundaries, disrespecting them and their privacy, being dissatisfied and holding unrealistically high expectations, controlling behaviors, and manipulation are additional toxic behaviors.
What You Should Know If Your Adult Child Won’t Talk to You
The average length of estrangement is 4.5 years. Parents can not do anything to speed up the process but can prolong the separation. They will often have opportunities to communicate with their adult child. A parent’s posture towards their adult child can influence their child’s confirmation that they need to cut off.
Parents who desire reconciliation will benefit by preparing themselves for the long haul of the cut-off condition. Reconciling begins with how invested the parent is and what they are willing to do. Similar to other life challenges focus on what is in your control.
Consider how attractive you are to your adult child. If there has been a lot of arguing and tension, they may have separated due to self-preservation.
Dr. Joshua Coleman discusses how parents often feel the condition is unfair. Parent and adult child rifts are unfair however, if your goal is to promote an atmosphere of attractiveness, you will want to work on improving your approach.
Indeed, the stress of separation, chronic stress, and complicated grief participate in the experience for parents and adult children.
If they have asked for no contact, respect them. Give them space if they’re not speaking to you. Resume contact after a satisfactory period by sending a card or email with an affirming message. Do not tell them how you feel or demand any explanations.
The most challenging aspect of estrangement is waiting for your adult children to speak to you. Dr. Karl Pillemer reports that over time estranged families tend to soften. Take note of the most minor improvements.
Your adult child may have other stressors that do little to you. They may separate to process your relationship and manage other areas they wish to keep private.
Adult children who report being abused or victims of toxic parents are in great distress. They struggle with anger, grief, and loss, as do parents. Many adult children report wanting the relationship to be different but find no other option than to cut off because they have tried and can no longer support the stress and emotional pain the relationship causes.
Strategies When Your Adult Child Won’t Speak To You
- Commit to a Daily Self-Care Practice
Begin your day with practices that lessen stress. You can do breathing exercises, meditation, daily movement, journaling, and prayer.
- Learn Communication Techniques
Parents and adult children who have a history of stressed communication can benefit from learning how to listen, validate, and apologize. Adult children who believe their parents are toxic frequently point to how their parent is unwilling to apologize and needs to be correct.
When parents improve their ability to listen to what their adult child is saying, they can resist being defensive. Defensiveness blocks progress and makes it difficult to move forward in a conversation. Listening, acknowledging, validating, taking responsibility, and apologizing are all essential skills to bridge the gap and mend family rifts.
- Stay Socially Connected
Social connection and being around others who love and value you is the highest predictor of mental and physical health. Connecting with friends and family provides an opportunity for support and comfort. Also, being social means, we are busy with our personal lives and step out of the role of parent.
Your personal life and your future matter. While it is especially painful to be rejected by your adult child and worse to be called toxic, your mental state depends on your ability to continue.
Dr. Karl Pillemer, author of Fault Lines Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, explains that both parties in the divide define their own narrative. These stories filtered through their relationship version are underpinned by the family system and environment. Pillemer reports that successful reconcilers abandon the need for the other to align with their version of what created the rift in the first place.
For parents whose kids have declared they are toxic and have gone no contact or little contact; they are left in a quandary. Parents grieve and feel heightened emotions and are often angry over their child’s announcement of maltreatment. Dr. Joshua Coleman encourages parents to consider how invested they are in the repair of the relationship. Parents generally care more about the parent-child relationship than their kids.
Likewise, adult children have grown into a highly individual social order where it is easier to abandon notions of obligation and duty to one’s parents. Coleman states that adult children have less to lose and therefore have more say in relationship repair.
Parents report having gone above and beyond what they had received as children. Many parents state they spoiled their children. These differing perceptions inform the difficulty of repairing and reconciling.
Cut-off adult children may have attempted, albeit imperfectly, to alert their parents and have fallen on deaf or defensive ears. Joshua Coleman, the author of Rules of Estrangement, describes the upheaval unsuspecting parents find themselves in.
Both parents and Adult children can be toxic. Boundaries are essential to ensure all parties are respected and safe.
Toxic parenting may include verbal and emotional abuse. However, not all toxicity is abusive and can be unintentional.
Estrangement among parents and their adult children is common. Most family cut-offs are among parents and their children—more than one-quarter of the U.S. population report being cut off by one or more family members. According to many adult children, toxic behavior is often the root of parental rifts. Parents are often bewildered and stunned. This article discusses Am I A Toxic Parent? Three Strategies When Your Adult Child Won’t Talk to You.
Resources:
Agllias, Kylie. Family Estrangement A Matter Of Perspective. New York, Routledge, 2017.
Coleman, Joshua. Rules of Estrangement. New York, Harmony Books, 2020.
Morin, Marie. Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick Up the Pieces When You are Estranged. eBook. 2022.
Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2022, January 4 ). What is Family Estrangement? You Are Not Alone.
Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2021, September 8). Diaphragmatic Breathing: 5-Minute Deep Breathing Exercise for Beginners.
Morin, Marie. How to Deal with Estranged Family During the Holidays (2021, November 21) Sixty and Me. https://sixtyandme.com/estranged-family-holidays/
Pillemer, Karl. Fault Lines Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York Penguin Random House, 2020.
More on the Blog
- ESTRANGEMENT: Why Daughters Leave and How to Rebuild the Relationship (A Compassionate Guide to Cut-Offs)
- 11 Powerful Ways to Strengthen Your Bond with Your Child
- Why Adult Children Cut Ties with Their Parents—and Steps Toward Healing Family Estrangement
- Future-Proofing Your Relationship with Your Kids: A Guide to Building a Lasting Bond So Estrangement Doesn’t Happen
- When Political Views Cause Family Estrangement—and How to Reconnect
- Heartbroken Over Estrangement? Here’s How You Can Find Healing and Growth on the Other Side
