Estrangement is one of the most painful and disorienting experiences a parent or adult child can go through. I know this personally. It’s incredibly hard to process that your child felt their only choice was to walk away. And it’s just as hard to sift through emotions, guilt, anger, and confusion so you can mindfully reflect on your role.
That’s why having this conversation is so important. Many parents in estranged support groups say, “My child abandoned me for no reason.” But when they share more, contradictions emerge. I’ve seen these patterns play out in countless real-life examples, especially in discussions on Reddit. Things might have turned out differently if I had known these five things when I was estranged.
1. The Signs Were Always There
Most estrangements don’t happen out of nowhere. The tension builds over time, maybe through minor conflicts, unspoken resentment, or past wounds that were never addressed. But many parents don’t recognize the warning signs because they don’t seem big enough at the time.
A mother insists her daughter disappeared with no warning. But then she mentions receiving a long, prepared speech explaining why. She didn’t see the signs leading up to that moment because she wasn’t looking for them.
2. “No Reason” Is Usually a Defense Mechanism
Many estranged parents say, “I was never given a reason.” But often, the truth is, they were, just not in a way they were ready to hear. Dismissed complaints, painful feedback, and subtle distancing were all messages before the final cutoff.
A father claims his son cut him off without an explanation. But later, he recalls that his son had sent “pages and pages” of messages calling him despicable. Instead of reflecting on those words, he dismissed them as cruel and unfair.
3. Emotional Amnesia Is Real
The brain has a way of protecting us from painful truths. Some parents unconsciously rewrite history, forgetting or minimizing conflicts that lead to estrangement. It’s not intentional denial, it’s self-preservation. But self-awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle.
A mother says her daughter “cruelly canceled a visit at the last minute.” But she leaves out the fact that her daughter had just miscarried a near-term baby via C-section. When she tells her story, she genuinely forgets the emotional weight her daughter was carrying.
4. Support Groups Can Reinforce the Wrong Narrative
In estranged parents’ forums, stories often focus on the pain of being cut off—not on the reasons why. When people only hear, “My child is cruel and ungrateful,” instead of, “What role did I play in this?” they stay stuck. Compare this to estranged adult children’s forums, where people analyze texts, question their reactions, and seek self-awareness.
In one Reddit forum for estranged parents, a mother describes her daughter as “selfish and disrespectful” for not calling on Mother’s Day. But in an estranged adult children’s forum, someone posts: “Did I overreact by blocking my mom after she made a backhanded comment?” The contrast is stark—one group seeks validation, while the other seeks growth.
5. Reconciliation Requires More Than Just Wanting It
Many parents say they want to repair the relationship, but what they really want is relief from the pain of estrangement. True reconciliation requires acknowledging the hurt on both sides, taking responsibility, and being open to uncomfortable truths.
A mother sends her son a message: “I miss you so much. Please come home.” But the son remembers years of feeling dismissed and invalidated until she acknowledges that pain; he doesn’t see a path forward.
The Hard Questions
If your child has cut contact, have you truly heard their reasons? Or have you dismissed them as “ridiculous,” “exaggerated,” or “abusive” without considering the more profound pain behind their words?
And even harder, are you seeking reconciliation or just relief from the pain of estrangement?
Because I know how badly you want to fix this. But if the focus is only on your grief, without acknowledging their pain, your child may see no path forward.
Resources for Healing and Reconciliation
If today’s conversation resonated with you, it might be time for deep self-reflection. Healing isn’t about proving your child wrong, it’s about understanding their experience, even when it’s painful. Here are some resources to help you on this journey:
- Guide to Writing a Letter of Amends – Learn how to express genuine accountability and increase your chances of reconnecting.
- Understanding Estrangement: How to Communicate and Reconnect with Your Adult Child – A comprehensive guide with a video component.
- Reconnect & Reflect: A Workbook to Practice Communication Skills – A structured workbook to improve your approach to communication.
Final Thoughts
Not all estranged parents fit this pattern. Some children are truly unreasonable. But if today’s conversation hit a nerve, it might be time to look inward. Healing starts with reflection, accountability, and a willingness to change. You can watch the discussion on YouTube and join the conversation in the comments. Let’s discuss your thoughts and experiences there.
