After almost 20 years of professional experience, I have found myself focused on an area of specialization, “Family Estrangement” in my private practice. After raising my four children, going through a divorce, and navigating my life’s circumstances I found myself reading Dr. Josh Coleman’s book, “When Parents Hurt”. This book was so timely and helpful to me that I read it twice. Families are complex, complicated, and can be quite messy, including my own, despite my area of professional expertise. My personal experience led me to be professionally trained as a Family Estrangement Coach by Dr. Josh Coleman. Based on his research, a growing phenomenon today is for adult children to cut off contact with the parents who raised them due to often unexpressed reasons. Those parents estranged by their adult children are left traumatized, bewildered, and with significant ambiguous grief as they simultaneously age. Without knowing those adult children and their specific complaints, my primary focus in my practice is to help parents grieve, reestablish their lives, and move forward. In addition, we discuss the possibility of reconciliation and how to prepare for the best outcome when and if it is presented by their estranged child. As a Family Estrangement Coach, a Licensed Professional Counselor, and a Certified Grief Educator I am equipped to help hurting parents individually and relationally if possible, and through the support groups I offer throughout the year. So here are some ideas of what a hurting parent can do when faced with family estrangement with their adult child.
First, I would encourage a hurting parent to find support. As a hurting parent, who is fully or semi-estranged from their adult child, the first recommendation is to get support even if they would prefer not to share. The shock and shame of estrangement can cause people to keep this family secret. Yet, family estrangement has been with us since the beginning of time and is an ever-growing phenomenon in our world today. You are not alone. Simply google the term “family estrangement” for a wealth of information and resources. Or just start sharing your circumstances and you will find that you are not alone and your courage prompts others to share too.
Secondly, make the time to educate yourself. It is common to initially believe you are the only one. However, there are many books written today on this topic and many authors and professionals are dedicated to the research and the goal of helping hurting families. Work to educate yourself so that you can correct any misconceptions and grow in your understanding of what is happening to you and your family. Education is empowering and something you can do to help navigate this challenging life experience.
Another recommendation is to grieve the loss… all of it. When working with hurting parents I encourage them to embrace, validate, and relinquish all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations of the relationship with their adult child that they expected and wanted. I work with them to identify all that has been lost, including basic contact as full estrangement often entails. I encourage them to not hesitate to shed those tears when they appear, as they can be so healing. Our bodies are incredible and when we shed tears, we receive some of the same endorphins we gain from exercise or laughter. Allow our bodies to bring some much-needed healing. Whenever grief is overwhelming, honor it and memorialize it if helpful. Then after a set time limit learn to get up and do something else. Hopefully something soothing for yourself or the benefit of others in need.
In the process of grieving, putting one foot in front of another, at times taking the next breath, slowly begin to reclaim and live your life. Work to transition your focus off your painful circumstances to get busy living the one life you have and investing in your interests, gifts, and talents. Consider and embrace the person you were before becoming a parent and rediscover what possibilities are still available to you. People are resilient and many people have had to navigate incredibly difficult life circumstances. Find their stories and allow them to motivate and inspire you. This will allow you to move forward and be better prepared if and when the estrangement ends.
Lastly, invest in helping others which can help with ruminating thoughts over your loss. Be compassionate, and sympathetic to others’ distress with a concerted effort to alleviate it. This can be very rewarding and beneficial to other people. Our world is full of unmet needs and hurting people. Find a cause you can believe in and find ways to invest in making circumstances better for others. In the meantime, you may be surprised at how your circumstances improve as well.
Roberta Wasserman, LCSW-C Biography:
Licensed therapist providing virtual therapy to the state of Maryland and providing virtual Coaching universally with the following credentials of 1) Certified Family Estrangement Coach by Dr. Josh Coleman, 2) Certified Grief Educator by David Kessler and 3) Fully trained Gottman counselor and coach. www.robertawassermanlcsw-c.com
As a mother of 4 almost fully grown children, I went through a divorce in which I was unaware at the time increases the risk for family estrangement. When I had some challenges with some of my young adult children, I found Dr. Josh Coleman’s book, “When Parents Hurt” and actually read it twice! Fast forward past improved relationships, graduations, weddings and grandchildren, I found myself with even more challenging in-law relationships. I experienced circumstances I never dreamed could occur. Over time, there was increased conflict that led to estrangement which included beloved grandchildren. I found myself traumatized, alone and struggling and sought to find support for my grief. It was then that I found a woman named Amanda who founded Alienated Grandparents Anonymous (AGA) support group and wrote the book “I Thought I was the Only One”. From there, I ended up facilitating an AGA support group for a few years prior to the pandemic. I found I was not alone, and in fact, this world is full of heartbroken family members in the midst of fractured relationships. It’s even more tragic when innocent grandchildren are involved and the legacy of a broken family system is formed. It became my passion to help others in this significant traumatic experience. I was part of Dr. Josh Coleman’s first training of professionals in 2020 and became a Certified Family Estrangement Coach. At the time there were only 5 of us in attendance across the entire United States! The need was far greater than the professionals available to help. Dr. Coleman sent me referrals and I then read his next published book, “Rules of Estrangement”. I found other support systems and material and continued to educate myself personally and professionally. Simultaneously I had two family members with Stage 4 cancer and was dealing with significant grief. I became a Certified Grief Educator through David Kessler as I believe grief is the pathway to healing in family estrangement.
Some contributors to family estrangement ironically can be professional therapists and coaches. Without educating and understanding they can unknowingly contribute to the fracture of the family by having a client centered focus for a family system dynamic. There is one side of the story being presented and when/if full estrangement is encouraged, often on the other side of the coin is a devastated, traumatized and broken parent who made mistakes (as all parents do) but did not invest a lifetime into a child to have this be the outcome. Another contributor is society values, in that we live in a time often coined “cancel culture” with an attitude if I don’t agree with you or like what you say or do I don’t have to have a relationship with you. Also, an attitude that if it doesn’t make me feel good, I don’t have to participate. When the reality is life is complicated, relationships are messy and there is much to be gained to seek understanding of another person’s thoughts and feelings even when we don’t agree. Another contributing factor can be when the adult child marries and there can be challenges in the new relationship with family dynamics, personalities, conflicting values and more. Or disagreement in parenting styles when grandchildren are brought into the fold. These are just some contributors but the reasons are as unique as the persons involved. Then there is always mental health issues that can contribute to making relationships even more difficult.
For those grieving their loved one when estrangement occurs, I would encourage them to focus on self-care and support. I would encourage them to take a step back from the relationship they desire and take some time to heal and put their heart and life back together. Most people are resistant to pain and grief, but it is the pathway to healing and wholeness. Being a whole person makes the likelihood of reconciliation more probable. When adult children choose to estranged from their parents, they have their own valid reasons and needs. It is recommended to take a step back, respect where they are and allow them to find their own way. In the meantime, do the work to be healthy and more prepared for when/if reconciliation occurs.
