Wondering what to do while you wait to reconcile with your estranged child? Family estrangement is when one member intentionally decides to detach from others. Parting creates an emotional and or physical distance that is emotionally troublesome for all involved.
The complicated nature of the process and elements of estrangement are as varied as the individual stories. Estrangement can be a grueling condition with no one size fits all solution. Many parents hoping for reconciliation benefit by learning communication skills, caveats, and exercises to better cope with inner turmoil. This article shares Ten Tips for Parents of Estranged Children What to Do.
Estrangement and the state of disconnection from adult children cause enormous pain and chronic stress. While waiting patiently or impatiently for the day when you might reconcile with your adult child, informing yourself and doing self-care will give you both tools and approaches that help.
Knowing what not to do and what to do will frame your strategy when dealing with estrangement. Most importantly, expand your focus to build your inner foundation. Be prepared for the likelihood of stressful situations.
Your emotional state may include feelings of abandonment, rejection, loss, and grief. Twenty-seven percent of the United States population of estranged individuals are at risk for chronic stress. Estrangement’s ambiguous nature can cause insomnia, overwhelm, unfocused thinking, isolation, and accompanying physical symptoms of fatigue and malaise.
Self-care, intentional actions meant to fill your reservoir of inner strength are effective means to address stress. Unfortunately, it is likely your adult child will decide when they will be ready to reconnect. You will benefit by using your waiting time to replenish your reservoir.
1. Contact or No Contact
For those who are newly estranged, it is good to give your adult child some space.
If you have been asked not to contact them, then do not.
When parents go against the express wishes of their children, they feel negated and disrespected.
Let time pass and work on yourself; get to the business of healing. Then after some time has passed, reach out and just let them know you are there for them. Make your contact short and straightforward.
Don’t write anything that can be misconstrued; send a simple note saying you appreciate them,
Give a specific positive statement and tell them you are there for them.
Be short and unintrusive, so they know you are validating their request for no contact.
Regularly, for example, once every two weeks, continue to reach out even if they do not reply.
If they don’t answer the phone, text or write a card. Be sure not to use these short contact attempts to hash out your grievances. It is essential to not ventilate with them; find a professional who will be in your corner for support.
Your adult child is hurting as well. Sometimes parents get so overwhelmed that they pull back and stop all contact. The problem is your adult child may feel you have been rejected, which can justify their potential thoughts that you aren’t there for them. Do your best to find a balance between infrequent but consistent. It is never a good idea to stalk and badger your estranged child.
If you do not have any way of contacting your adult child, write in your journal.
Handwriting will allow you to contemplate and express your thoughts and emotions. This exercise provides a safe space to let out strong feelings.
2. Get a journal and use it as your guide. Create a Wellness CheckList.
Your journal will be a place to keep track of your wellness. Assess your emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral, spiritual, and social state? You will want to note what are you experiencing emotionally? Are you angry, anxious, hurt, frustrated, shocked, agitated, or guilty? How is your physical health? Are you exercising, eating, well, getting good sleep?
Are you having trouble concentrating and are more forgetful than usual? Keep track of your social involvement. Social connection is a vital piece of your wellness. Be mindful of each of these areas. If you are having difficulty, it is advisable to find a professional to help you.
3. What are Their Key Complaints? List in Your Journal
Your adult child may have gone completely silent. Perhaps you have no idea why they are upset. If this is the case, do your best to remember what your adult child has already shared. Pay attention to what you already know. What have they told you?
Consider common contributors such as divorce, parental alienation, differing values and lifestyles, difficult in-laws, or mental illness and addiction. There can be a combination of factors in why adult children are cut off.
4. List in Your Journal What You Think Contributed to the estrangement.
List as many contributors as you like. Be as objective as possible. It is constructive to take responsibility for areas of parenting or circumstances you participated. This exercise will bring insight into what may have occurred. Reflecting will also help you understand what your adult child may be experiencing. These steps will allow for later prepared actions for reconciliation.
5. What Could You Have Done Better?
Be as objective and compassionate as possible. No one is a perfect parent. It is advantageous to reflect on areas you missed with your child. Reflection with objectivity allows you to put yourself in your child’s shoes. Perhaps you were a fantastic parent, and your child has estranged you. You have done an honest reflection, and you are stumped about what happened. You will benefit by preparing for potential future meetings.
6. Can You Forgive Yourself for Being Imperfect?
Some will find this step difficult, particularly if you are feeling guilty. What will help you feel more forgiving towards yourself? Consider talking to someone and sharing your feelings. Journal your emotions. Do your best to be compassionate.
7. Find Empathy for What Your Adult Child Is Experiencing
Your adult child may have estranged for reasons that have little to do with anything you did. They may be overwhelmed with their life which is very unlike yours.
Having empathy for someone does not mean you condone their behavior. Empathy is the first step in reconciliation. Empathy allows you to contemplate your adult child’s version. It will help you to speak to them when the time is right. All parties feel the stress of estrangement.
Are you holding up unforgiveness for your kid? Write in your journal about your anger, disappointment, and unforgiveness.
8. Find Self-Compassion and Review Your Wellness CheckList.
What areas can you work on to improve your emotional state, physical, cognitive, behavioral, spiritual, and social state? Your wellness involves your spiritual, physical, emotional, and social well-being. When one area is out of alignment, it impacts your stress level. Be careful to note the areas you can improve.
9. Make a List of at Least One Are You Will Attend and Commit to Self-Care.
Daily habits of walking, meditating, speaking to a friend, sitting for a quiet meal, doing breathing techniques are all valuable in a self-care routine. List the strengths that will be helpful for you now? What type of daily routine can you create that will give attention to your well-being. Does your support system include friends, therapists, church, and social groups?
10. Find Gratitude
Gratitude is a powerful practice that resets the way we see our situation. Indeed, the discomfort of estrangement is exceptionally upsetting. Practicing gratitude will improve your mood.
Commit to awaken each day by being grateful for something. Allow time to feel thankful for about two minutes. Consider doing a gratitude challenge and learning how the many ways,
We are commonly thankful for people and grateful for things and events. When considering an opportunity to be grateful for someone or something, we mark it as valuable to notice. In this, we actively participate in a powerful virtue with social, physical, and emotional benefits. Gratitude helps relieve stress and anxiety by focusing your thoughts on what’s positive in your life.
Studies on the effects of gratitude practice show that those who partake experience increased self-esteem, better physical health, lower blood pressure, improved empathy and awareness of others’ feelings, improved sleep, and helps lower feelings of aggression.
We are commonly thankful for people and grateful for things and events. When considering what we consider the opportunity to give thanks to someone or something, we mark it as valuable to notice. In this, we actively participate in a powerful virtue with social, physical, and emotional benefits.
Family estrangement is when one member intentionally decides to detach from others. Parting creates an emotional and or physical distance that is emotionally troublesome for all involved. The complicated nature of the process and elements of estrangement are as varied as the individual stories. Estrangement can be a grueling condition with no one size fits all solution. Many parents hoping for reconciliation benefit by learning communication skills, caveats, and exercises to better cope with inner turmoil. This article discusses Ten Tips for Parents of Estranged Children What to Do.
Get The eBook: Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick Up the Pieces When You are Estranged.
Resources:
- Agllias, Kylie. Family Estrangement A Matter Of Perspective. New York, Routledge, 2017.
- Coleman, Joshua. Rules of Estrangement. New York, Harmony Books, 2020.
- Morin, Marie. Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick Up the Pieces When You are Estranged. eBook. 2022.
- Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2022, January 4 ). What is Family Estrangement? You Are Not Alone.
- Morin, M.L. [Morin Holistic Therapy]. (2021, September 8). Diaphragmatic Breathing: 5 Minute Deep Breathing Exercise for Beginners.
- Morin, Marie. How to Deal with Estranged Family During the Holidays (2021, November 21) Sixty and Me. https://sixtyandme.com/estranged-family-holidays/
- Pillemer, Karl. Fault Lines Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. New York Penguin Random House, 2020.
